Wouldn’t it be cool to have a remote control for your child? You can finally leave your child and they’ll probably be safe, and will probably behave more or less within the bounds of what’s acceptable. This remote control will have some simple functionality – your child won’t get into a situation where they won’t get too hurt, or too much into trouble. They’ll probably be fed automatically come the right time, and of course toileting with occur without too much of a hitch.
Don’t laugh but the child remote does exist! It’s not an electronic remote control unit. It’s available in most Asian countries and is called a domestic maid. Many asians hire these domestic helpers from poorer developing nations to help in the home. The typical day for a maid is quite long – they wake up at about 6am to clean the house and prepare meals, and stay up until all the dishes are washed *manually*. Through the day their role could involve anything from cleaning the car to carrying the shopping bags. And of course, in line with this post, they will literally spoon feed your children and ensure they are accompanied while you finish your meal. There is no such thing as work choices for maids.
I happened to see a family with not one but what seemed to be two domestic maids at the Singapore airport earlier this year. Whipping out my trusty phone camera, I videoed two short clips of children running around whilst the child remote control maids go into standby mode. This standby mode basically allows the kids to play so long as they don’t trigger any of the previous parameters we discussed above.
This is not parenting, mate. You can’t let children be brought up by someone who has no clue of your culture, hardly speaks the language, nor has received very much of an education. Most likely coming from a village setting, these maids are struggling with the appliances at home, the amount of work they’ve got to do, and the expectations from their boss. They are also mostly very young girls with little or no parenting skills.
It is already commonplace to hear stories of child abuse when children are left alone with the maid, or children who grow up with Indonesian or Filipino accents. What is more telling are stories of maids doing whatever is needed to pacify the child – from holding the child in arms and rocking to sleep, to constant feeding, to giving in whenever the child so much as squeaks. What kind of tyrant is such a child potentially growing up to be?
Having such maid is illegal in Australia. There are of course ways in which you can get temporary and very inexpensive help into the country; and this was offered to us about 10 years ago. Back then, we were living in a small town house. Trying to visualise another occupant in the house, and their role to keep a small patch of floor clean was enough to indicate that we didn’t need our privacy invaded. I don’t want any maid or domestic help living in my family home. I want to parent my children. And I’m willing to make sacrifices in order that I’ve got a hand in it. Of course that’s a luxury that not all people have.
If you had a choice, would you hire someone to live with you so you could reduce the amount of work you have to put into cleaning and cooking?
While you’re thinking of your response, check out Help Improve My Marriage.
Colin
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The Original SuperParent
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I am from Vietnam and nearly every family in vietnam has a maid (if they can afford one) if they cant well then they become maids for the ones that can . im not against having maids nor vice versa, i do beleive that if you chose to have kids then you are responsible for raising up your child and be proper parents ( feeding, teaching, spending time with them etc.) Like you said which is true most of the kids bonded with the “nanny” more than they do with their own parents, which is sad really. But the lifestyle it is in asian i can understand why they needs maids to do the daily chores around the house , because the parents are tied up with the family business .
I would love a maid to help me in the house LOL… but I want to raise my own children…
It is an incredible thing, isn't it? It is both a luxury to have a maid and not to have a maid.
The luxury of having a maid is when you've got enough money to afford someone to do menial support at home – clean the house, cook the meals, take care of children, etc. But this is, as you say, because you need more time so both parents can work – so you make enough money to pay someone to do the job.
On the other hand, staying at home and doing it yourself means you can afford family time through one parent working. It is a luxury not having to house a stranger in your home – and having them intrude on your family time.
I like it that you say that for families who choose to have their kids also are responsible for raising up their children. Isn't that so true? I suppose, as we all do, we work within boundaries and do the best job we can given our circumstances.
Do you live in Australia now, Ly? Do your family give you much support at home?
Colin
I've always thought a cooperative might work really well. Get a maid for a group of houses. Cleaning, shopping, and even cooking might be done together.
If I could afford it, I'd definitley outsource household chores, but not the childminding.
And I would be very happy if household chores dropped from $100 for 3 hours to $100 per week.
My parents lived in Nigeria, Africa until I was 7yo. The maid was my full time babysitter. As white child I was also accompanied everywhere by a mi-gaurdi (?spelling) who was basically a personal body guard. Dad was a doctor for a christian mission organisation, mum was the nurse – they were both busy.
When we got home to Australia both my parents returned to work – dad at a hospital, mum at a blood collection agency. So I was left in the care of our housekeeper, after school care and grandparents.
In my first year of highschool mum was diagnosed with MS, she eventually left her job and became a stay at home parent but she was too incapacitated to do much. Once again the housekeeper stepped in the breach.
I think I essentially grew up okay. But there is a reason I live 3 states away from my parents, minimise their contact with my children and of course devote as much of myself as I can to being the very best parent I can be (whilst still maintaining some of me for me and some of me for my relationship with my husband.)
Wow, Marita. Lots in that response!
I've talked about a similar topic often with my wife, about how a person can rise above their upbringing or even themselves. How does that leap occur?
And I also reflect on the relationship a parent has with their own parents – what is the closeness or distance you seek with your own parents wrt you children. It's not an easy decision – nor one that many people have the luxury of making.
You must have dealt with a lot of change constantly in your early life. I wonder if you now seek to increase the stability of your own life situation for the kids. I know I make a huge conscious decision to maintain peace and show great respect to my wife – the kids needs to see a loving normal relationship they can model themselves on.
Lots to think about from your post…
Colin
Thanks Colin
My husband grew up the youngest of 6 children in a very close family. He lived in the same house all his life. So when I moved to Melbourne to be closer to him I had a very steep learning curve getting used to the life of a close and large extended family. There are still times when I rail against the closeness of my in laws and how they love to intertwine their lives but there are definite benefits also.
I can see how I would raise a child differently to my parents, I don't think how they raised me was wrong, just different as they had different priorities.
Example – I could never imagine myself taking my baby to live in a 3rd world country as part of a christian mission organisation. I couldn't imagine putting myself or my child in a position of such risk, my parents could and did. Dad was jailed several times, we all were accompanied by guards where ever we went. My Dads best friend from his childhood was Graham Staines http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Staines My Dad speaks admiringly of Graham and his sons sacrifice. It horrifies me. To my parents they did what was right according to their priorities, to me now, my priority is different and I could not do the same thing.