I came up with a post Reward Children Appropriately May of this year, and invited the FB MoDiscipline group to participate. Unfortunately, only two responded – mostly saying rewarding appropriately is challenging and that it is better to err on the side of conservativism.
Here’s my take on pocket money and how much I’d give to my children.
Chores for Pocket Money: All of us do chores around the house, at least we’re expected to. I don’t get any pocket money for doing chores, so neither should my children. Normal every day chores for children should not be too onerous anyway and should be done without thought of monetary reward. Now if special effort is put in to do jobs-over-and-beyond, then I follow up with a spot bonus – typically with a gold coin. For larger jobs, such as car washes, I would pay a percentage of commercial rates and allocate the rest to the Happiness Fund.
Non-Monetary Incentivisation: Money is not the best reward. I’ve used small trophies and certificates/awards, and presented them in formal dinner settings with guests. This approach helps recognise achievements in things like academic performance, completion of their violin books, amazing feats of strength, and such like. Preparation for doing such awards properly take some time, but the desired impact is powerful. You should try it.
Weekly Pocket Money: Our children are young, and always with us through the week. They aren’t old enough to go out by themselves and therefore really don’t need a budget for living expenses. Larger purchases are handled by ‘Ang Pows’ – red packets gifts containing cash given out during Chinese New Year and Birthdays in our culture. They’d typically get on average maybe $200-300 per year this way. So I reckon this is enough money to afford them stuff they really want.
Pocket Money and Allowance: Eventually children need to have cash to ensure they’ve got enough money to handle weekly expenditure on food, entertainment, and expendables. I reckon that pocket money depends on the the child’s activities and your family lifestyle. The more independence the higher the sum should be. I’m estimating a weekly allowance of $20-$30 for a teenager. Anyone want to offer a suitable range of monies to give to children by age?
When I was invited to guest post on A Dose of Dannie, I asked her to send me a few links of posts from her blog that she’d especially like. Most of the links Dannie chose were either anecdotes of family life or had lots of parenting humour. So I decided to come up with Human Children Raised Like Dogs. It’s the post no child wants to read – how this parent used puppy training techniques on them whilst they were growing up.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity, Dannie. Everyone go say hi, won’t you?
Zoey’s post 10 Things I Won’t Discipline and then Kelly’s follow up post Childishness or Foolishness has inspired me to start a sushi train. This time I’m promoting the definition of discipline focusing on the root word ‘disciple’. This post talks about my main disciple – William my son, the best of us.
Discipline of Composure: We once had a violin session which started out badly – William was tired and grumpy. He was reduced to tears and refused to play his violin. I waited till he settled himself down, got him to have a break, return, and start from scratch – warming up, and working with basic pieces. Eventually, he had a fantastic practice and finished off feeling positive. That ability to centre himself is important – concerts aren’t going to wait for anyone. Everyone is human and everyone is affected by emotions, we however need to learn how to bring ourselves back from the brink and get back into the zone. That discipline of composure, son, will give you strength beyond your peers.
Discipline of Objective-Oriented Thinking: Picture this: you are at the Perth Royal Show and your son wants more than the one show bag you bought for him. So you look down and say, “Did you bring your money? Well, if you don’t have enough money, we can only afford to buy you one show bag.” So following that one incident, the entire year he starts saving up all his monies – from gifts, from over-and-above type chores, and by not spending on small items. Eventually, he amasses more than a hundred dollars this way for the next Royal Show. I can’t believe that a 6 year old would have this sort of tenacity. Amazing!
Discipline of Logic: Picture this: you’ve got a son with a fist full of cash at the bloody Royal Show. You’ve promised him one show bag and he’s able to blow his hard-earned money on however many else he wants. You know how irresistible those bags are? Can I tell you something? The kid buys himself ONE showbag because that’s all he decides he wanted. There’s no point in spending hard earned money just because he can. How proud do you think I felt? My heart was bursting!
Discipline of Initiative: Following Masterchef, Wills decides he’s going to cook dinner and dessert for the family. He prints out a Spag Bol and Apple Crumble recipe from the net and brings them to me. So I run him through how to create a shopping list. Then I bring him to the grocery store. Then I stand next to him in the kitchen helping him with everything from knife skills to timing and tasting. He eventually turns out a pretty impressive Spag Bol. Good on you son, that kind of initiative plus the determination to cook an entire dinner is fantastic! What discipline!
Discipline of Self-Control: Young William would eat all the fruit on the cake and then I suppose the cake, and save the chocolate truffle to the end. He’ll then put the morsel into his mouth and savour it for the longest possible time. Apparently, he learned this “save the best for last” from one of the other children in school … and has been doing it since. I just love how you think, son.
SuperParents welcomes Zoey Martin aka the Good Good SuperParent from Good Good. Zoey is championing gentle discipline through Ministry of Discipline and the 10 Lines of Behaviour. Below is her first MoDiscipline article.
I’ve always approached discipline as doing the least controlling thing possible. Not because I’m lazy, although I do have my moments. But because it’s my belief that the less control I exert on my daughter, the more likely she is to do as I ask. It’s well established that the more cooperative you are in your approach to children the more obedient they are likely to be. As an introduction to how I approach gentle discipline, I thought I would start by looking at things that I don’t discipline in my daughter.
Crying
I never ask her to stop crying, or bribe her to do so. Crying, particularly extended crying is supposed to be annoying, so it gets our attention. But I don’t believe it’s manipulative. It’s an expression of emotion or tiredness or frustration or a sign of being just plain overwhelmed. I want to honour and acknowledge my daughter’s feelings and her expression of them, not teach her to squash them down.
Tantrums
While embarrassing at times, tantrums are just another form of self-expression. Sometimes there is no other option for children except to have a tantrum, because they just can’t regulate their own emotions, and it’s a way to let out all that pent up aggravation out. Usually, in those times, Riley needs more love and affection, not less.
Playing With Things That Are Off Limits
A fine example is the one section of my wall near the play area that is covered with permanent marker. Because at some stage, I left out permanent pens and the toddler got her little hands on them. I think it’s too much to expect a toddler to find a pen and not use it. That graffiti is on me, because I left the pens within grabbing reach.
Not Eating at Meal Times
Toddlers have in-built calorie control. If you don’t force them to eat – ‘just one more bite’ – then they will get all the food they need. As frustrating as it is when you painstakingly make a meal that they turn their nose up at, I take solace in the fact that on the day after she eats nothing all day she’ll have five breakfasts.
Re-Purposing Kitchen Items
Example – taking out a packet of rice from the pantry, pouring it on the floor and then proceeding to pick up the grains of rice to plant in the pot outside. This is experimenting and exploration at its best. Although in this instance I did make sure my little planter did help me clean up the mess.
Being Noisy
Kids toys are noisy. And in general, toddlers are pretty noisy creatures. They run around, yell, often repeating the same thing over and over until you say it back to them. And while I might long for some peace and quiet, my need doesn’t automatically trump my toddler’s need for self expression just because I’m the parent.
Refusal
Toddlers say no, a lot. And it can be pretty difficult to keep your cool when all you get is ‘no’ to every single request. But that’s an opportunity for negotiation, not for punishment. Mostly, it just means that they want to do something themselves, or are frustrated that they don’t have the ability to. Usually a combination of letting them take their time and a collaborative effort will get you over the line.
Making a Mess
That’s what toddlers do. It’s a key part of their job description. Although it’s not necessarily fun to clean up the same thing 10 times a day, it’s still just mess – easily cleaned up either alone or with your toddler’s help depending on what kind of catastrophe you’re dealing with.
Only as Good as Their Teacher
There are plenty of things I haven’t taught Riley yet. I’ve focused mostly on safety issues – not touching power cords or points and not moving things that are too heavy for her. And we’ve also taught her what things she needs to be careful with and what she can be rough with. But I can’t have expectations of her for things that I haven’t taught her yet.
Not Sleeping
Whether it be nap time or bed time, I am always a happy camper if Riley goes to bed easily. But sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she comes out of her bedroom a million times. And when that happens I remember there are plenty of times when I have trouble sleeping and need a glass of water, a hot drink, some company or just to read a book for a bit.
What kind of expectations do you have for your children? What do you discipline, and what do you accept as part of just being a kid?
We’ve purchased a puppy over the weekend. I would rave on about how it’s a good learning experience for the children to care for a puppy, but frankly, I’m pretty tired out. Wills, my almost 9yo, *did* remark how amazed he was that a puppy required so much responsibility. Now he knows.
Isn’t she cute? OMG – I love dogs.
So puppy training has fallen on my shoulders. I have been making sure that little Tim Tam, a Shih-Tzu Maltese blend has been allowed to go out to ‘eliminate’ (what is this a movie?) every 2+ hours.
Doing a search on puppy training, this is what else I’ve got to do:
Helicopter parents … you know the type – they’re close to the sidelines, hovering close to their children and providing instruction all the way through. Do they really think children benefit from their nagging? I can barely control myself from posting a picture I took of one such helicopter parent at my son’s Judo class here in Perth. How do those kids put up with their helicopter mum?
I created a short survey a little while ago and here are the results.
Helicopter Parents Survey Results
80% of respondents say they can leave their child alone at a party to have fun by themselves without starting up any helicopter behaviour. This means not needing to tell them to be careful, how they should eat or play, or how to behave. This is not unexpected. I don’t see much helicopter parenting happening at parties.
100% of the respondents say they can let their child have a disagreement with a friend or sibling, and while ready to offer some suggestions, will mostly leave them alone to settle it for themselves. I suppose having a child bug you and whinge about what the other child did is not an example of helicopter parenting. Doing good so far.
80% of parents say they have made an appointment with their child’s teacher to sort out a problem that the child cannot resolve for themselves. I assume here that most of the children are fairly young? But it is a mark of a good parent to be involved with the child’s education. Having a chat with the teacher is not overstepping the bounds. But that’s still a huge percentage of respondents who have had to chat with teachers!
Only 20% of respondents said that they would stand close to the sidelines or intervene constantly if their child was enrolled in an out-of-school activity. To be fair, this is not the definition of being a helicopter parent. The sound of the whirring blades only start when you insist on a continual dialog or input into how the child is performing.
Have you done homework on behalf of your child? 100% – No. Good on you!
40% feel an overwhelming urge to protect their children from risks outside the home.
To be fair, if I took this survey, I would come across as a helicopter parent. I don’t think I am because I make sure that my kids are pushed into the fray so they can develop their own independence, and I will make sure I step back. I am of course ready to become involved if it is appropriate. Some cuts and bruises, and emotional trepidation is fine. There’ll be no whirring coming from me. Now all I’ve got to figure out is how to deal with those helicopter parents who talk to me about what their children need. Can I keep myself in check?
We’ve got a running dialog on SuperParents FB Page regarding Tina’s Do I Have ‘Welcome’ Stamped on My Forehead? about the soul destroying feeling of having to clean and tidy up after the young ingrates we live with AND feeling worse when we nag at them about it. It’s inspired me to talk about another related issue about how to improve motivation and increase awareness amongst the children. Specifically dealing with teaching them financial independence.
I hate shouting at the kids, nagging them, and I have very much avoided spanking the children. I do however challenge myself to come up with interesting ways of making them see the world from my point of view. A year or ago, I asked my son to pick up something left festering on his floor. The request was of course forgotten, so a few days later I gave him an ultimatum. Pick up within 24 hours or get fined.
Of course, he had to cough up a gold coin and tidy up his crap. Which left me with money in hand, and a thought to start up a ‘Happiness Fund’ to teach financial independence to the children – specifically to show how money works. I grabbed a jar, dumped his money in, and displayed it to this very unimpressed child. I told the kids that the Happiness Fund would ultimately be used for the family to enjoy some special treat. Until then, we can ‘borrow’ from the Fund (leaving IOU notes) when we need to make approved purchases but don’t have enough money at that time. Monies are of course paid back with interest. Furthermore, the Fund grows using a system of taxation – any time the kids earn money like doing special chores (e.g. washing the car, weeding the garden, etc), part of their proceeds go to the Fund.
The children have stopped associating the jar with punishment, but understand that they’re growing a collection of wealth and can use this wealth to accomplish some of their needs. It’s such a simple system, and I’m blown away by how receptive they’ve been to this activity.
The kids jumped back on the mat after a water break at Judo practise over the weekend. I was sitting on the sidelines with a few of the other parents. Directly in front of us were a row of shoes neatly lined up at the edge of the dojo mat.
In comes a teenager rushing back to the mat. She gets on without bowing, as is customary, turns to look at the slippers and shoes lined up neatly but tightly, and casually flicks a pair of thongs away so she could put her own Uggies down neatly against the mat. I was shocked.
She surveys what she’s done and just as she’s backing away from the mat, I ask her directly – “did you just push those thongs out of the way?” She looks down, and then back up at me. My eyes were boring into her, I pointed to the scattered thongs and said “then get to it.” To that she reaches down and repositions the thongs neatly toward the mat.
Just thinking about this makes me burn. If I didn’t say anything, would the other parents have jumped on to it? What is this behaviour? Someone explain it to me.
For a post which outlines a list of articles on discipline from other Australian parenting blogs check out Can You Discipline Your Children.
I understand that Riley Lee Shakuhachi Master once practised and eventually made a recording of his Shakuhachi in a storm drain after it rained – adding an ethereal quality to his already sublime music. Practising music outdoors might help musicality and might inure a musician to performance anxiety.
Shakuhachi Players Practising Music Outdoors
We didn’t exactly have such lofty goals today.
Having bypassed violin group class due to lateness (it’s a long story), all three of us felt we had to make it up at home. It was my idea to stop by the memorial gun at Birdwood Parade and have a violin practise session overlooking the Swan River. How could we not? It was the middle of winter, but the sun was nice and warm and the view was breathtaking.
Check out the video I took of William doing Suzuki Music practise overlooking the Swan River.
The children enjoyed it so much that they insisted on two practise sessions each, rather than the one short one I expected to conduct. All in all a really positive training experience, and I liked seeing the bounce in their step after they packed up.
This is a painting of Mt St Victoire by William Wee (Aged 8), done as part of his holiday school-at-home program.
My Art over Maths program is another way in which I try to integrate various different elements of the human condition in order for William to look at the world in a different way. As I was telling my wife, I want to do what his school can’t do for him – and that is to be able to pull something out of my arse and to just deconstruct it on-the-fly.
He had finished sketching the outline of the mountain, and was starting to work on the paints when I started this conversation with him.
Me: Did you know this guy painted this mountain over 60 times?
Wills: Really, why did he do that?
Me: You know, there was a guy who climbed Mt Everst, and when asked why he did it, he replied “Because it was there.” Some people are driven to do things because they had to. Cezanne was just obsessed with this mountain and just kept going back to it.
Wills: So it wasn’t a good obsession?
Me: It was neither good not bad, he just was drawn to it. And his work, through his simple need, placed him as one of the most important artists of the 20th century. So what is it that might drive you? That’s a good question to ask yourself.
Can I keep myself in check?
